woah!!!!!!!! its been forever i forgot i had this thing tehe

Just need to write

OMG! I ahvent used this shit in forever. But I figured it was the only way I could get my stress/depression/anger/ and all that out. So I guess we can start with Holley first..

Holley..I loev her...Always have and always will. I dunno what the hell is going on in her head and Im sick and tire of it all. I want to be with her but fuck it I cant deal with her shit....Cause shes on some other shit. First she loves me and wants to be with me then she fuckin wants to be with Scott. I dunno anymore. Its like a damn rollercoaster with her. Im sick of this ride. Its not fun. I really am ready to just hop off this ride and walk away from it for good. I ripped up all the letters she gave me and I had a friend give them back to her. Im done. Im sick of the drama. I cant take it anymore. If I keep trying to deal with it anymore I think I might just take things too far and go crazy. I havent seen my therapist in over a month. I see her tomorrow and Im so damn happy! I could do so many things right now but I wont...Its for the best if I dont do anything. I dont even know why I have tried so hard. It was all for nothing. All I do is for nothing....Im so sick of this all..

And so my second rant is about Scott M. Monson. Hes so ignorant and keeps threatin people. But he still never does shit. Im sick of his shit so much just as much as holleys shit. I hate people. I really do. All Scott does is use people. All he is ever gonna do is fuckin sell drugs and run from the cops for the rest of his life. He will never be anything or do anything with his pathetic ass life. And I hope he brings holley down with him. She deserves it as well.

Now School. My school...Its pretty good. I do well in my classes....well up until now. Now I cant concentrate. But all the teachers in this school is great. I like them all. I havent really had a teacher this year that I didnt like. So Over all its been pretty good. But now with all this stress and no one to talk to cause I lost both Gil and Pam I cant deal anymore. I think about all the dramam more and more each day. I cant stand this shit anymore. I dont trust my teachers enough to talk to them. They arent like Gil and they arent like Pam.

There is some of the stress going on in my life. I think Im really going crazy. Its horrible and I kno that but I dunno anymore. My self esteem has increased so much. I think so little of myself but there is no other way I can think. Maybe...Just maybe if I walk away from everything...including my life...maybe then Ill finally feel free.

Thoughts and more thoughts.

Hm so I talked to Holley on the phone last night and well she made meh think a lot. She made meh realize that Holley is my first everything. That kind of depresses meh because well...the person who was my first everything is the one that hurt meh the most. Its pretty sad because shes the first girl I really did ever love and I do still love her but I have the biggest fear that she is going to hurt meh. I dont want to be hurt again....And I just cant trust her. I want to but I cant. Last night while on the phone with her we decided to go down memory lane and talked about when we first met and everything. Like it was so nice to remember those feelings and to remember who I had them with. But I think thats all meh and her could ever really be....A memory of old happiness because I dont think I could ever reach that point with her again no matter how much I really want too. I want to find someone who I could make new memories with, who could make meh happier than I even felt or even that I could remember ever feeling. Holley isnt going to be that person and I know she isnt because I wont let her be. I keep telling her how Im going to hurt her cause I wont ever have those same feelings for her. Holley is always going to want more than just a friendship with meh and I cant give that to her. I feel bad for not being able to do that but well I just cant hurt myself. I hurt myself enough with the memories I have of meh and her and I just cant do it. There are so many people in the world who could have a chance to make meh happy and Im not gonna ruin that to try to get back something meh and her lost already. I mean there is other people who has and do make meh happy but sadly they live in other states that it couldnt be more than just friendship and I wish more could be between us. But for now there can not be for I have to graduate before I can do anything and then I have to save up money before I can do anything.

Okayyyy

So well I had a meeting with Jamie today and well we talked about a lot of things. We talked a lil about my break which I will write about in another blog and some about school. I have been told that to be what I wanna be I dont have to go to school for 12 more years of collage but more like about 6 which isnt great but a lot better than 12. Jamie explained the difference between what I was thinking about being and what I wanted to be. I so dont know the names of them but I know the difference now lol. But yeah I have to...starting tomorrow, going to class, paying attention and going to all the classes and doing the work for 21 days to get into the habit if doing it regularly. So I guess tomorrow I will get on trying to do that...Hopefully I can do it so I can do better in school. I was thinking about going to the night school program but I dont think Id be able to do it. I sucked when I went to regular high school so why wouldnt I suck going to night school? They are the same way. Maybe its cause Im too hard on myself ya know? Well I duno hopefully I can just get through high school here and Just get on with the things I need to do and everything. Get somewhere in this life called hell. Its all you really can do. I mean otherwise youd be stuck in the same place in life for the rest of your life and who really wants to do that? Cause then it would suck the most and I just dont want to deal with that. Le sigh why does life have to be so hard?