Thoughts and more thoughts.

Hm so I talked to Holley on the phone last night and well she made meh think a lot. She made meh realize that Holley is my first everything. That kind of depresses meh because well...the person who was my first everything is the one that hurt meh the most. Its pretty sad because shes the first girl I really did ever love and I do still love her but I have the biggest fear that she is going to hurt meh. I dont want to be hurt again....And I just cant trust her. I want to but I cant. Last night while on the phone with her we decided to go down memory lane and talked about when we first met and everything. Like it was so nice to remember those feelings and to remember who I had them with. But I think thats all meh and her could ever really be....A memory of old happiness because I dont think I could ever reach that point with her again no matter how much I really want too. I want to find someone who I could make new memories with, who could make meh happier than I even felt or even that I could remember ever feeling. Holley isnt going to be that person and I know she isnt because I wont let her be. I keep telling her how Im going to hurt her cause I wont ever have those same feelings for her. Holley is always going to want more than just a friendship with meh and I cant give that to her. I feel bad for not being able to do that but well I just cant hurt myself. I hurt myself enough with the memories I have of meh and her and I just cant do it. There are so many people in the world who could have a chance to make meh happy and Im not gonna ruin that to try to get back something meh and her lost already. I mean there is other people who has and do make meh happy but sadly they live in other states that it couldnt be more than just friendship and I wish more could be between us. But for now there can not be for I have to graduate before I can do anything and then I have to save up money before I can do anything.