FUCK THE WORLD!

Fuck everything. FUck relationships, fuck love fuck it all! I hate it all. And Im sick of god damn people tellin me how Im a makin a situation worse. Okay no one seems ti fucking understand what that fucking does too me. Like NO ONE DOES! I try so damn hard to make people happy and try to help them out when they arent doing too well but no people keep on fucking telling me that Im making it worse. WELL FUCK YOU! Im sick of trying to help people. Im sick of fucking being nice. Im sick of having such a big god damn heart. I wish it would just fucking die. I mean its already broken which is why I try so damn hard to make people happy I figure if I cant be happy why not try to make someone else happy....WELL FUCK THAT!!! Im sick of that bullshit! Im done trying to make people happy. Im DONE! Im sick of people asking me whats wrong...ITS MY FUCKING BUSINESS LEVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT! My problems are mine, yours is yours...so stop asking me whats wrong and trying to be in it. If I say Im okay then leave it at that. I dont give a fuck if you care about me, I dont give a fuck if you want me happy, I DONT FUCKIN CARE! Thats my problem. Leave me the hell alone. Unless I wanna talk to you then dont talk to me. GOT IT?!?!?

Rain

I think Im starting to hate the rain. It rained this morning and I am soaked....I think I know how dogs feel when we put them outside in the rain. But yeah I was so damn tired last night and shitt. I went home at 10:30 and was out like a light. I was so tired and I don't even know why. But yeah I had fun chillin' with Mandy and Justin yesterday....I chill with them like everyday now. I dunno there's nothing else to do cause I don't want to chill with Scott anymore so I am kinda not chillin' with Holly anymore. I mean we are still friends I just don't want to go to Scottts' anymore. So yeah I've been going home and chillin' with Mandy and Gabby. Gabby is my frist best friend I ever had. We aren't best friends anymore but we are still close. She's like my cousin and she's really awesome. She moved out to New Jersey and well I missed her a lot. Finally last week she moved back out here to Rochester so we have been chilllin' a lot more Okay so I dunno what else to talk about for now.

Stressful day.

So today alot has happened. And well we shall see how the day ends. Me and Katt has decided that we are just gonna be friends for now. Like she has alot on her plate as do I and well we need to figure things out before we can be in a healthy relationship. If we end up dating again then so be it. I love her as a friend and more and I just want her to be happy. So if this is gonna help her on her way to be happy then hey Im willing to have this like this. My life will go on and well I will do my best to help out a very amazing person and friend. I hope things turn out alright with her and I hope she can get back to her happy place. I will deal with the stress and problems I am having and she can do the same for herself...the only difference is that Im gonna be right here when ever she needs me and I will help her whenever she asks. Im happy to say that being friends would be the best and well that Im happy we can still be friends...have things go back to the way they were before. Katt Im rooting for you to get happy again, to figure this all out. Good luck.

Kathleen Please Read

So now I feel like a complete idiot....I feel bad for the blog I had posted that KAthleen read and like I feeel bad that I got so pissed off but to be quite honest all this really had not much to do with her. I have alot more going on with me that only one person really know about and well all the stress that I ahve just well overwelmed me and I just couldnt take it. So honestly Katt Im really sorry for all that has happened. I know me just saying sorry may not be enough but I dont know what else to do. I just well took out my stress on the wrong person and Im sorry. I really dont know what to say anymore cause well I know I was in the wrong and I know I took thisw all out on the wrong person...again sorry.

This is a blogg syaing that I honestly dont regret anything I said in the blog I wrote and deleted this morning. I am just so damn stressed and I cant handle anything anymore. I sat in the back hallway with Holly and fucking cried cause Im so stressed. Im sitting here no crying. I just cant handle anything anymore. I am so worried about so got damn much. Im worried about my friends, my family everything. I was so close to saying fuck you too school and just dropping out. I cant do this shit anymore. My hand hurts so much cause I punched the door but I really dont care right now. Its nothing too me....pain is pain and thats it. I dont even think Im going to beable to make it through the damn day. I ahve so much going on in my life right now and Im trying to take on so much more just cause I do wanna help the people I care about. I just dont know anymore....I really. dont...

Feeling better once again

So I am finally feeling not so numb. I am able yet again to feel happiness. I have no idea what happened last night but man was it bad. Im happy to be over it finally. Katt I know you are gonna read this so Im sorry how I acted last night and well I dont plan on leaving you and I know you want to be with me and I know you love me....so please stop changing my Blog name....I like making them what I make them for it usually helps with the way I am feeling. My life just seems to kinda overload sometimes and well I end up being the way I was yesterday. It happens all the time and well I know it will continue to happen through out my life...plus last night I was getting yelled at by my guardian and that wasnt helping my situation. But now I am better and able to smile again so yeah its all good now. Life seems to be better today and well Im looking forward to the weekend to chill with mandy as well as with Katt on Saturday. So now Im just gonna enjoy the rest of my day.

Lifes just too short...

So today was a long day. I had many emotions go through me today that well pretty much will happen for the next few days. I have felt anger, depression, numbness, aggravation, I have felt like giving up, I have felt like nothing matters. Soo many thoughts have gone through my head and well not one thing has helped me through any of this...Right now I am just cold and I feel more alone now than I think I have ever felt before. Most of the time when I feel alone I have realized that I wasnt really feeling alone. I was more feeling hurt and broken. But now at this moment and time and Moments before this and moments after this I will feel completely alone. Like I feel as if no one would understand but I know that is not the truth. I know people feel as I do right now every day but just I dont think anyone could help me..or at least I wouldnt let someone help me. I mean obviously if Im feeling this way I am meant to feel this way for a reason...the reason Im feeling it is unknown but hey Im not looking for any answers. I am accepting this fact and well I am just doing what I know can help me through times like this....write and write more. Life is too short to dwell on the past but it is also too short to fuckin sit and wonder things. Im choosing to live my life one day at a time not knowing whats going to happen next and well it came to my attention that well....I dont really care anymore. Im just going to do me and try to make it through the year. I mean Im already fucking up this school year and for what? Nothing. Im skipping cause Im choosing to fall right into the same steps I took last year....Im getting ISS and sad thing is that last year I didnt even get ISS and I did alot more shit last year than this year. Like what the hell am I doing with my life? NOTHING! I pretty much have nothing and pretty much if I keep doing what Im doing Im going to amount to nothing. Im sick of my life...more than anyone would fucking realize. like right now Im sitting here so damn close to crying cause I realize what Im doing to myself. I fucking hate all of this and I cant fucking do this anymore. If I do Im going to stress myself out to much and Im going to do a hella lot of things Im going to regret....

Past, Present and Future

So I sit in a dark room
And look to the ceiling
Many many thought
Of past come too me
So I think about her
And the way I was treated
And realize how fearful
I am for the past to be repeated
I start to realize
That luckly it wont happen
Life is too short
To dwell on the past
So I look at the present
Right now the future is blurry
But I wouldnt expect it any other way
For no one knows what will happen
But right now I know
That who I have with me
The person I love
Will not hurt me the way I was
Im happy to realzie that
And I believe things will go well
Thank to her my fears are leaving
Thanks to her I can live again

Im an asshole

I am such a god damn idiot! I shouldnt have done what I did. Holly and I decided to see what Katt would say if I got put in jail yesterday and well it really back fired. I didnt mean to make her cry I just wanted to see what she would say. Now I feel like complete shitt and like a god damn asshole, but as soon as I herd she cried I ran to the ISS room. I so didnt mean to make her cry. I wouldnt have done it if I knew she would. I really just wanted to see what she would say. Im soo sorry Kathleen if you read this. I felt like shit when I woke up, I look like shit and well now I feel like it even more. I dont even know what to say...Im sorta afriad to see her cause Im sure shes gonna be completely pissed at me for what happened and it really wasnt to make her cry...I almost cried when I was outside thinking about all of this.....Im an asshole and I know it. I am sooooooooooooooo sorry like times 10 million.....

Stress, stress and more stress

So friday was like the most stressful day out of the school year. I got to school normal time and started to chill with dylan and then Holly showed up to school and fuckin started to say how I had to go to Scotts to help him with the car and shitt. Well I didnt want to go for Kathleen was suppose to come to my house and chill and shitt. Well come to find out Scotts mom got rid of my car and shitt and I am not getting any money for it yet I found something out this weekend that I will talk about in my next blog about my weekend. But anyways so I got pissed at Holly and shitt and well I was gonna skip Algebra IIB. I didnt end up skipping for me and Holly ended up talking and got over what happened in the morning. So then I found out that Some shit about a stupid ass letter was happening and well we didnt want anyone to get in trouble for it and well that all fell through. Katt got three days of ISS and well it sucks cause we wont be able to talk like at all this week. and it really sucks ass. I guess it has to be done specially sense she got off real easy for what was in that letter.

Booked

So today is just a wow kind of day. There was two fights at one time and like I was rght there. I have no idea who the people are but whatever I dont really care for I am not one to watch fights....but......this dude got his ass beat by this chick and it was wow! Anyways today was the PSAT and well I didnt have to take it cause I took it three years ago. So I got out of doing it today and I spent the morning pretty much with Kathleen. So my next two weekends are booked and Kathleen made sure of it. Friday I gotta go to the dentist with her and I get outta class earlier for it. After the dentist shes gonna be comming over to my house and well Katt is gonna finally meet my cousins Mandy and Gabby. Me and Gab grew up together and everything and well I lovers her. Gab is gonna be questioning her to make sure shes not like Holley and and isnt going to hurt me and shit cause Gab worries about meh....but Im sure Gab will like her so its all cool. Hopefully Kathleen likes Gab cause well Gab has been in my life frever and well Ill be a tad upset if they dont liek eachother. Gab says I shouldnt introduce her to my mum and my sisters and brother...but I should let her meet my nephews and nieces. My family is really divided and no one eally likes my mum and sisters and brother so yeah I understand it. Gab thinks I should have her meet my cousins Cory and Mag and them cause well Cory, Gab and I was the ones who grew up together and well Corys cool as hell. I dunno if Katt wants to meet My mum and them I wont tell her no but Im not gonna make her meet them either. Its her decision but she HAS to meet Gab and Mandy cause well they are the ones who matter the most to meh right now. I cant wait but anyways to finish telling you what the rest of my plans are for the next two weekends....Saturday I ahve to go to some dinner with Kathleen cause she wants meh to go. Im not sure if I really want to go personally but I guess Im gonna go anyways. Then the Saturday after that I have to go to some Jewlery party Katts mum is having so Ill be at that. The weekend after thatI think Im actually free again but them after that is Halloween weekend and well I have that weekend planned too. Friday Katt wants me to go to some haunted house in Avon I think with her and her parentals and then Sturday is Halloween and well I have a party to go to at Corys with Holly B. So Im really excited for the rest of this month! So well I think thats all for now.

Randomness

So yeah Im positive that Im gonna get killed by Gil cause Im skipping my class and he's my extended class teacher...I hope I don't get killed...Im already grounded and I don't want to be grounded longer..Im trying hard as hell to get off punishment. But Pam seen me as well and well she didn't say anything but she was threatening telling Dan when i was me, Holly and Katt. Whatever. I really don't care just as long as Im not getting yelled at. Im happy then lol. Kathleen is posting blogs just so you know Gil so the blogs in Pink you don't have to worry about cause there Katts. She just wanted to post blogs and shitt and well I really don't care as long as I get my blogs posted and shit. Ill make sure to get them all Gil so don't worry plus you know I will....I love to write. But I think Katt just likes to write blogs on my account cause well...It shows I trust her too and well its a good way to get me to read things that she wants me too. I dunno really why and if you want to know personally well then you can ask her cause well I don't care, cause as long as she's happy Im happy. So everything is all good. Yeah so I got nothing else to write about at the moment so Im going. BYES!!!!

omg our weekend....lmfao

okay omg so as Sam said we spent the weekend together which was rele fun considering how i got Sam UN grounded.... I'm such a evil mastermind lol ok so anyways.

 okay so this weekend was fun on Saturday my mom took me and Sam and shorty {shantel) to pumpkin farms and it was so crazy it was our 1st time at a pumpkin farm together and her 1st time meeting my parents which was cool cause they liked her but anyways back to wat i was saying...so the 1st pumpkin farm we went to was so funny we went on this gay hayride and ok i got a little scared because there was a clown...lol and then we went into these tipi's that was filled with really cool carved out pumpkins and right before we left some body spilled mad apple cider all over me omg i was SO mad GRRRRRRR but i got over it. so after that we went to burger king and i pigged out as always.....

OK then we left and went to another pumpkin farm on five mile line rd and that was really funny cause it was so corny hehehehe there was this really...kind of scary haunted house and i clung on to sam the whole time but after the 3rd time it got funny cause shantel got really sick and threw up in it...we didn't tell anyone either, maybe we should of lol. then we went on a corn maze thing that was fun cause we kept landing in a dead end.  then we walked around and i broke the gate to the goats hope they didn't get out oh well. ok so after that we went to the beach and met  up with our friend Dan and it was so cute cause me and Sam walked hand in hand on the pier to the end awwwwww......it was a perfect ending to a perfect day... then i went home and fell out. so then Sunday i went shopping then spent my whole night talking to Sam and Scott and they talked about my birthday present and i sat stupid trying to figure out what it was i want to know but i want it to be a surprise all i know is that its small comes in a box and it sparkels.....hmmmmmm???? i don't know but anyways i love u sam...hehehe moment.

My weekend

So as Kathleen said before on my blogs her and I are dating. Makes meh happy and everything so thats good. We chilled together on Saturday with her parents and Shorty lol. We had fun. We went to a few places and then went and met one of there friends. It was all fun and everything and whats funny is some how she got my guardian to let me go even though Im grounded....which really sucks that I am. I guess I do deserve it but I dont give a fuck cause I want the fuck off already! Like I really hate being grounded so god damn much! Her parentals are pretty cool and I guess they like meh which is a first. Usually parents hate meh and I think its funny cause Im like one of the nicest people ever! lol. Well I dont really know what to talk about for theres not much to talk about cause Im bored and everything....so adios.

Another poem I wrote for a friend on Allpoetry.com

Forgive me

After all these years
After all this time
I feel it's good
To say one thing
I'm sorry…
I'm sorry for the day
I ripped your heart in two
I never wanted to hurt you
But I know they would be true
I let what happened
A long time ago
Affect the way
I would act and feel
I never meant to hurt you
That wasn’t my intention
I just wanted you happy
And that was the way to do it
Today I ask for one thing only
I ask simply Please forgive me.

tired v.v

So we went to East high school today for extended class and did some character building thing. It was really cool and really fun. I had a good time but I still wont get on the high ropes course. So your shit outta luck Gil. Kathleen wasnt in school today. I guess shes sick or something and it kinda sucks cause I missed my little Kitty Katt lol. Na without Katt in class theres nothing fun about class. Plus I like seeing Kathleen.Holly wasnt in school until 12 cause she had to go on a trip with her senior seminar class. Dylan kept me company and everything so I wasnt so alone. I had alot of time to think and shitt cause no one was really around. And everyone knows I hate thinking but....I didnt mind what I was thinking. I was thinking about a certain couple of friends and how I couldnt live my life without them. I really do appreciate the friends I have and Im happy I have them around. I lovers you guys ^_^.

Live A Lie, Put On A Act

To me things are galling apart
Nothing seems to be going right
Too much hurt
Too much pain

I talk to people
Get their input
Yet nothings helping
Its still hurting

The pain inside
My emotions
Its getting to be
Too much

The one thing that helps
The one thing I could do
I cant or
I hurt even more

Cutting...
Seeing the scarlet lines
Being drawn across my arm
It feels like a sanctuary

Like I can escape everything
Be happy
Forget whats happening
Help me be free

Still I cant do it
Not to where anyone knows
Cause if it happens
I loose everything

I loose my family
More importantly
My nieces and nephews
The only ones who matters

Think and think more
Find a way
To escape
Yet not to get found out about

Act like everything is normal
Act like nothing happening
Lie when asked
Tell them you didnt do it

Know in your mind
The the beautiful
Scarlet lines
Are laying across your arm

Make sure to keep it hidden
Dont let no one find out
Remember finding out
Means loosing your life

Cant let that happen
Wont let that happen
Remind yourself to
Act and lie

Put on a smile
Make people believe youre happy
that things are getting better
Live your lie

Still cut every night
Secretly and long
No more pain
No more hurt

Just make sure
No one finds out...

Worse Case Sanario

The worst possible thing
That could happen to me
may not be
What you think..

To many death
Is the worst thing
That could happen
To themselves or someone they love

To me death is nothing
It hurts more than anything
More than fighting or
Even a heartbreak

Yet Im use to it, All of it
Death happens cause
Its meant to happen
That persons time to go

But the wose thing to me
Is loosing the people closest to me
The only thing that really matters
Family...

Sadly enough
Its starting to happen
But hasnt been completed
Not yet...

My family
Its falling apart
Yet I still have 'em
Theyre still around

But if I cut
Get found out about
I loose them
Never see them

I cant allow that to happen
I cant get found out about
No one can know
Play the field...

Lie and act
Make people believe
Things are good
Nothings happening...

Hush Little One

Keep quite
Cut secretly
Hurt inside
Hurt outside

Yet never let it get out
No one can ever know
Cant loose them
Wont loose them

Let people help
Let them know the problems
Yet let them believe
You are controlling yourself

Keep secrets
Live a lie
Put on a smile
Play the game...

So now I put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy

Why the fuck do3es my family gotta fall apart. I mean don't people always say that in the end the only thing you will have is family? Well obviously that's not true. This shit kills me on the inside. After my grandparents died we all vowed to stick together for them. Well not surprisingly all the adults started to fight. But even through all that us "kids" mad it known that we were always gonna stick together and stay. We wanted to have strong family ties and not end up like our parents. We even drank on my grandfathers death day and vowed it. Well looks like that was a lie too. All of the "kids" of the family is all fighting now too. I mean this shitt really hurts me cause I really don't truly have anyone in my life and I always though that My sisters, brothers and cousins Cory, Mag, and there mates Heather and Dugan and I were always gonna be together and shitt. But now Cory, Mag, Heather and Dugan is all fighting with my sisters Becky and Cassie and my brother Ricky. Even my mom and Aunt Steph is going at it. Like no one really knows how this is affecting me....And I wouldn't let them know because then all that will happen is they will just keep me in the dark about everything. I really don't want that. When I think about it I want to cry and cut....but something keeps me from grabbing a blade and cutting. I don't really know what but its sure as hell stopping me. Maybe its the fact that I don't want to disappoint my teacher again or Katt again. I mean Holly care but I don't think it affects her badly. I know Katt doesn't like it cause of how she reacted about something else that I told her that I'm not going to mention here. I dunno....like I just cant seem to do it no matter how badly I want too....I hate my thoughts, I hate my problems....I wish they could all just go away and I wouldn't have to deal with them....specially cause I will have to deal with them alone cause I wont ask for help cause I don't need it. Plus there would only be a few people I would want to be there for me....and I am not mentioning names....but I'm sure those people know who they are. All well I guess some people are meant to go through life dealing with there problems while putting on a act to get most people off there backs...and I guess I have to play that role once again and well what people don't realize is that I do a very good job at it. People just think that I am bad at acting happy...most times I let people know when something is bothering me. Asshumz is the only person I know that can truly tell when I'm really upset no matter what...Fuck I don't know what to do but to put on a smile and make everything seem okay again and I guess that's what I'm going to do..

Hokay

(still in extended class lol) So I just remembered I never said anything about prom this year. I am very excited about it this year. I already figured out what Im gona do...and what Im doing is very surprising. Im wearing a dress....yes I said dress...also Im doing my hair and make-up....yes this all has to be surprising to hear but its the truh. I did this cause I am almost positive that Im not going to prom next year and in doing this...what Im doing....Asshumz is gonna come to prom. Im excited cause me and Assumz gets to chill again and well Im gonna do something no one ever though I would do. So I guess some people are just gonna go to prom just to see me and thats kinda weird. So Like Im kinda nervous about all of this cause I think I look horrible in a dress....but thats just me. I gurentee that people would argue that fact but yeahhhh whatever. Yes I just wrote a short blog just to state all this on "paper" and yeah so anyone could know that Im not joking.

babble and more babble

Lets see...what to talk about today...(Im in extended class right now)...Well school is ass as always and I drew during Math class and still got all my work done without paying attention. Also during Karens class I got all my work done but me and Katt needs to cool it on the talking or we arent gonna be able to sit together anymore. So I really need to pay attention more in that class. Well I am gonna be talking to Quiana about just being friends or nothing at all but shes always absent so I havent been able to talk to her. This weekend was kinda boring. I chilled with my cousin Mandy and her best friend Stacy and the asians Phi, Ti and Vu. We did alot of stupid shit Im not gonna say cause I really cant say but yeah it was fun. We drove around alot and on Friday Mandy Stacy and I all went driving around and Mandy drove. I swore I was gonna die. Mandy was driving on the wrong side of the rode and everything. Luckly Stacy kept us alive. Katt and I talked alot during the weekend on the phone cause we have no lives. She said my guardian sound nice and she wants to meet her so I guess next weekend or this weekend or whatever it is shes gonna come to my house and meet her. Its gonna be a little wierd on account none of my friends come to my house....well except Asshumz but she hasnt been in my new room so Katt will be the first friend in my room....Its gonna be a little wierd. So I got the money for my fangs and me and Holly are gonna be ordering them and then Ill have fangs to wear for now on. Im happy and shitt about it cause I have been dying to have the fangs and well now its happening. So I changed the name of my blog as you can see cause Katt asked me to do it so I said I would. Its kinda gay but funny and I guess it made her happy so it works out. If shes happy Im happy. Ummm Ill ahve some more to write tonight cause Im going over Scotts house to chill and shitt so I guess Ill be blogging again tonight.