So now I put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy

Why the fuck do3es my family gotta fall apart. I mean don't people always say that in the end the only thing you will have is family? Well obviously that's not true. This shit kills me on the inside. After my grandparents died we all vowed to stick together for them. Well not surprisingly all the adults started to fight. But even through all that us "kids" mad it known that we were always gonna stick together and stay. We wanted to have strong family ties and not end up like our parents. We even drank on my grandfathers death day and vowed it. Well looks like that was a lie too. All of the "kids" of the family is all fighting now too. I mean this shitt really hurts me cause I really don't truly have anyone in my life and I always though that My sisters, brothers and cousins Cory, Mag, and there mates Heather and Dugan and I were always gonna be together and shitt. But now Cory, Mag, Heather and Dugan is all fighting with my sisters Becky and Cassie and my brother Ricky. Even my mom and Aunt Steph is going at it. Like no one really knows how this is affecting me....And I wouldn't let them know because then all that will happen is they will just keep me in the dark about everything. I really don't want that. When I think about it I want to cry and cut....but something keeps me from grabbing a blade and cutting. I don't really know what but its sure as hell stopping me. Maybe its the fact that I don't want to disappoint my teacher again or Katt again. I mean Holly care but I don't think it affects her badly. I know Katt doesn't like it cause of how she reacted about something else that I told her that I'm not going to mention here. I dunno....like I just cant seem to do it no matter how badly I want too....I hate my thoughts, I hate my problems....I wish they could all just go away and I wouldn't have to deal with them....specially cause I will have to deal with them alone cause I wont ask for help cause I don't need it. Plus there would only be a few people I would want to be there for me....and I am not mentioning names....but I'm sure those people know who they are. All well I guess some people are meant to go through life dealing with there problems while putting on a act to get most people off there backs...and I guess I have to play that role once again and well what people don't realize is that I do a very good job at it. People just think that I am bad at acting happy...most times I let people know when something is bothering me. Asshumz is the only person I know that can truly tell when I'm really upset no matter what...Fuck I don't know what to do but to put on a smile and make everything seem okay again and I guess that's what I'm going to do..