I dunno

So today is just not a good day for me. Like its really horrible. And well Katt was givin me a really big attitude in Microbiology and like that really pisses me off. How you gonna give me an attitude when Im just trying to be nice and shit. I mean yeah Im not in the best mood today but still I wouldn't give her an attitude because Im not happy. Im mad that she did that too me, and Im not the only one who seen it. Eric also said she was being a bitch today too. Ugh I hate the way people act towards me. Like I am so damn depressed....Im thinking more and more about cutting and the only thing stopping me is the fact that I don't want to loose my nephews and niece. Like they are probably the most important people in my life...but like if all this shit keeps happening and I keep thinking about all the things I am thinking about then Im gonna end up doing it. And like I could cry right now and I don't think it would actually do anything for me. Like crying doesn't seem to help anymore and thats probably why I don't do it anymore. I don't know what the hell to do and like talking to Holly about this shit is nice but I don't want to talk to her about it anymore cause I know she has to be getting sick of hearing it. And I wish I could talk to someone about it...I mean I have Pam, my therapist and Gil but like it would be nice if I could talk to someone my age....I dunno anymore. I seems like the only way for me to feel happy is to cut and see myself bleed...I mean I know its not the best thing but I know to me its the best thing...i dunno

Γιατί λοξοτομήστε έχω αγάπη;

I officially hate couples. Like they really suck. Holly and Scott are the main reason I hate couples. Like every time I go and chill with them they are always all over each other.....well Scott is all over Holly and well it makes me feel more and more alone. And last night after cleaning Scotts grandmas house I was laying on Holy after scott left and I realized I really really really hate being alone. Like she was complaining about being cold and then I realized how nice and warm Id be if I cuddled and then I realized there's no one to cuddle and yeah. It really sucks. And last night I hated it even more after I got home because I realized how alone I am because well I was all by myself, thinking and watching that 70's show....like every night. Wow I have no life..I either chill with Mandy (my cousin) or chill with Scott and Holly or I sit at home by myself thinking and writing and reading. And all of that isn't usually very good thing.......Θέλω πραγματικά να καταλήξουμε σε κάποιον και ξέρω ότι λοξοτομώ και μισώ πραγματικά και ξέρω τι να κάνω .... και Im ranting στα ελληνικά, γιατί dont ανάγκη κανείς να διαβάσει αυτό ειδικά το πρόσωπο μιλάω γιατί καλά Ι dont ανάγκη περισσότερο σκατά για τους ανθρώπους ή κάτι τέτοιο.....I reanted in greek so no one could read it unless they know greek or is smart. Im done with my blog for now

Into The Void.

Today during lunch I went and met Asshumz at Rite Aid. I had to get my Eclipse and Breaking dawn books from her so I could give them to my cousin Danielle. I did that and we were walk over to the school and just my luck, it started to pour. About maybe 2 minutes in the rain and me Asshumz and Holly all got soaked. So I decided that I was gonna make other people wet cause I was wet. So I hugged Kathleen, Shelby and Scott Blue. It was great. Everyone was kinda mad but hey it was just for fun. So after that I went downtown and got on the 3 to get home. I got to thinking on the bus and well figured out what I was gonna do when I got home. I decided I was gonna take a hot shower...which I did, then I was gonna lay in my bed under the covers...which I did also. I though about a lot while I was laying in my bed and well I also wrote the poem that I posted before this. I really hate being single and all my friends say I need to man up and get a girl. I dunno. I'm a pussy and all my friends know its true. I guess that's just who I am. So I though about certain people as I laid in my bed a little before Scott called me talking about his and Hollys relationship. Gil if you want to know what I was exactly thinking about in my bed then ask me when we have our meeting and I will tell you. Like I know I wont forget because the things I was thinking about always run through my head just no one actually knows that. 8 out of 10 times when I am sitting quietly not paying attention to anything or anyone I am thinking about that. So I'm sure I can tell you easily. So I am now wondering what people see in me. Like I realized that a lot of people like me and I don't really know why and I really want to know why. Like can anyone explain this too me? Like I really want to know and everything. And when I asked Katt why she liked me she said that she didn't know. And a lot of people tell me this I realized. Like am I just a big mystery that everyone just wants to figure out or something? Like I don't really know. And I don't think I could ask Holly for the fact that Holly doesn't like me like that. And I mean Holley was the only person to ever tell me what she seen in me. And well because of what Holley did I don't really believe what she said. Cause how can someone think anything about me when they cheat on me 7 times? So I need more of an opinion. But I dunno where to get it from. I dunno anymore and I am completely surprised at myself. I wrote this whole thing without looking at the keyboard.....Well almost. Sometimes I need to look but this is the first time I have ever done this and I am so happy about it. Like it is so cool to look at the screen and see what I am writing. But I do kinda write slow when I don't look at the board and I cant punctuate at all. I have to go back and put in all the punctuation points except periods. Well I think I am done writing for tonight seeming as it is 12:21 in the morning and I have school. So adios.

Another poem

Loneliness

Every night I lay in bed
Alone, no one around
I wish that someone was there
That someone was in my arms
No ones ever there though
I'm all alone
I cry at night
Feeling the loneliness
Sink deep into me
I realize that I need someone
I need to have someone
Lay in my arms and cuddle
Someone to call my own
Yet no one is there
No one is ever there
Im always alone
I always hold myself tightly
wishing someone would one day
Be here with me
Will that one day ever come?

Confused and fears

So my therapist made me realize how many fears I have. Its really horrible and 90 percent of the time I am thinking about it. I really never realized how bad my fears were until I knew all of them. Like the fears I realized are driving me nuts....mainly because they are my worst fears. I have a fear of staying single, I have a fear of relationships, I have a fear of loosing control, I have a fear of not knowing what's going to happen, I have a fear of getting hurt. All these fears keep me what could make me happiest. Like I drive myself nuts cause Im always single and like I don't know what to do. Like I hate being alone because I have a fear of always being alone. Like what am I suppose to do? I want so badly to have someone, but Im afraid of being hurt. And like if I get in a relationship I could get hurt but I don't know if that would happen and I hate that and Im afraid Ill get hurt or hurt the person I am with and like I don't want to do that so I don't date people. Like what the hell am I suppose to do? I don't want to be stuck being single because well I hate being alone all the time and it also makes me hate when Im around people who are in a relationship because like I feel even lonelier. Like I don't know what to do...Im scared of being hurt so much that I cant date. And all I really want is to have someone there for me. Like I dunno Im so confused...

drama and problems

So today was a very drama filled day. Kathleen is going through alot of shit and well even though I really didnt want to deal with drama I stayed by Kathleen. I care about her so I want to be there for her. So I dealt with trying to calm her down and also keep her from doing stupid shit like fighting or leaving school. I hate drama but I guess its worth it for friends and well to me specially Katt. Yesterday she called and me and her talked last night a bit and she told me what happened a little bit. Also so unfortunetly I need another gym class. I dont know what Im gonna do yet but yeah I guess I have to do it. Ill look into something when I think of it. Also I am sad to announce to myself that I cant drop my english class even though I really dont want to be in that class. I just want to get my damn componets for school and thats all. I hate being in the predicument Im in. Like Im so rediculious, and like i hate it. I am killing myself on the inside alot. Like Im screwing myself with schooling, with problems I am choosing to keep to myself cause in reality noone can help me with them. And like now I know Gil will ask and I really pray he doesnt ask cause well to me its alot harder to talk about it then it is to ha ve it on my mind and nagging at myself. fuck man...

Kathleen Ann

Today Kathleen spent like the entire day asking me what I told Holly. Well I kept telling her nothing, but I finally deiced I should probably tell her. But Im not the one to tell people things to there face so Im going to tell her in this blog. I told Holly how I feel about Kathleen and what I think about her. Well Lets see I think Im going to start out with what I think about her...

Kathleen...shes really cool and funny yet serious. Shes really smart and really relaxed yet shes fun. Like I dunno shes like opposite of me yet like me at the same time. She really is a really great person....

So now it comes down to how I feel about her...and well its simple from what I said about her that I like her. I do and I know it. But see how she doesnt want to ruin our friendship I dont either but I mean i dunno... Like Im afraid Id mess up or something like thats how I always feel. and I really hate it...

Well anyways Kathleen when you read this....this is what I told Holly that she wasnt aloud to tell you and that I figured you had the right to know..

Rant #1

So today I ranted for an hour and a half to Holly about my life. I usually hold things in but I just couldnt anymore. I talked to her about many many things. Im going to give you the gist of the rant because if I write it all it will be like 18 pages holly said. So here I go

I realized that being single is driving me insane. Like I hate it so got damn much. I really cant stand it. I mean all I want is someone to cuddle with and to love me and I will love them back. I mean I could be the perfect girlfriend....if It wasnt for Holley. Holley ruined my life. Before I ever dated her I was really independent and I didnt need no one. I could do everything on my own and I wanted to do everything on my own. I never wanted anyones help and I never asked! But then Holley came along and well changed my entire person. Slowly Im gaining her back but I realized I dont really know how to be in a good relationship. All the relationships around me well they arent that good. and like I dont think I could really be in a good relation ship. But I have realized why my relationships never last....Holley and I just jumped into our relationship and well....she cheated on me multiple times, Dakota was too mature and needed someone there to be with, Katie....well Im not so sure about Katie....But like ugh I cant stand being fucking single...Like when I look at Scott and Holly on a good day I always get like jealous cause I want a relationship like that but then again they fight an awful lot and then I think about how I dont want to be in a relationship if thats what I have to look forward to I mean got damn. Le sigh..Well I realized what I exactly want in someone I date...I want someone who is like me but also opposite than me....and I hate Holly cause she made me realize wh0o fits that description. eyeyiyi. Also I ranted about my family and how I dont feel loved by then and shit like that that, I realize now that I really dont want to get into detail about that anymore. Also I realized my feeling towards a certain someone and only one person knows how I feel and will know how I feel and thats Holly.

Sitting in the rain

I never really realized how calming the rain was. I sat in it and though slightly about things. It was nice to feel the coolness of the raindrops falling upon my skin. It also helped me think about what I was thinking about. No Im not going to be specific about what it was that I was thinking about because well thoughts are suppose to be private sometimes and this is one of those times. But most times you will know my thoughts because most times I wrote blogs because I want my thoughts out of my head and the way to do that is by typing them down in my blog. I don't mind people knowing about what goes on in my head or what goes on around me because I don't really care what people think of me. I mean its so funny how actions people do and the thoughts they have are ways they are looked at. Like I can think of so many dark and depressing things, morbid things, so does that automatically make me "evil"? I can cut my wrists and arms and just watch them bleed without a care in the world does that make me sick and crazy? To most people its a yes but to me its a no. People do things to help out themselves. I mean yes I know people say cutting isn't helpful or isnt safe but not all people cut to kill. I was a cutter, I wasn't trying to die. It was helpful to me, it helped me stop thinking, stop feeling emotional pain and well helped me feel like I could do what I wanted. Like now I cant do that and I cant feel that way. Unless I hide my scars and hide my ways. Its not hard to do...It's quite easy but I feel as if I get found out about people will think different of me and also I know I will be admitted for doing something that makes me feel truly free. I dunno. These are some of the thoughts I was thinking while in the rain but like there was more to it that no one will know about because well people don't need to know or worry about what I was thinking except technically one person but it really doesn't matter anyways.

Untitled

So I talked to my friend who likes me and its so annoying. She said she doesn't know why she likes me and well I wanted to like hit her. Like how do you not know why you don't like someone. She said it was like the twilight series where one of the werewolfs imprinted on this girl or like Jacob imprinting on Bellas daughter. Like then she said it might have grown over time. Like ugh its so flustrating, but its okay because it not like we'd date cause both her and I don't want things to happen like things happened between me and Holley. But things happened like that between me and Holley because she was clingy and I just didn't want to deal with being hurt like that again, which is why me and her don't talk or anything. Like the last time we really talked was that day I over dosed on Ibuprofen. I would never do that again because it was so annoying to deal with and it messed up my stomach but anyways.....Back to my situation. Holley cheated on me multiple times and well then stopped trusting me when I never did anything wrong. Then she started to control who I talked to, what I did and where I went. Like she started to make me ask if I can go here or there and if I can chill with this person or that person. So thats why I fell out of love with her finally and well why we don't talk anymore. With my friend who likes me Holly said she knows things wont happen like that for she is different and shit like that. So like now Im mad that Holly decided to fucking say who it is and shitt cause I didn't plan on telling you or anyone for that matter. Now that doesn't matter cause technically you know so how much of a damn secret is it when you know >< Damn Holly. I fucking hate Holly sometimes. Fucking portable internet. I call her the portable internet because she knows everything about everyone. and the whole damn world. Its quite helpful but quite annoying at the same time. I learn anything I need to know about anyone or about what's going on but then she knows everything about me as well because I tell her. Its annoying cause you can never tell her anything about something you find out cause she already fucking knows. Okay I ran out of things to talk about cause my thought process was interrupted. So more tonight hopefully.

Hehe this is fun

So yeah Im enjoying writing my blogs this year. I give more and more work for Gil to do. Its quite fun :] So well Im off punishment finally and Im so happy. I finally get to go places and do whatever I want. So its nice except for the fact that now I get to deal with a lot more drama now. Like Mandy is constantly having drama with her boyfriend and well Im one of the only people she will talk to about things. So well Im always happy to help out. And well I have a lot of role play drama as well. I have told you about my role play in previous journals from last year and well Im still doing it. I cant wait to go home and see what people hates my characters today. But hey I make a lot of friends from role play. So Im happy about that and plus role play is where I met my most recent ex girlfriends, Dakota and Katie. Both of which I am still friends with. So its cool. I help them both with there problems a lot as well. Well Ill probably write more tonight or something but I just wanted to write at least a little today so I can say "Hey I wrote a blog today."

Thoughts thoughts and more thoughts cont'

So I have a friend who likes me and I keep getting asked how I feel about her. And well truthfully I never thought about it. I mean I know how i feel when Im around her but I dont think too hard about the situation. Like when shes around things are calm, funny and easy. I mean she seems really trust worthy and shes madd chill.I love chillin with her and plus we do madd stupid shit like quote Twilight and new moon. But like its all cool cause me and her are having fun so I dont care what other people are thinking....not that I really ever care about what other people think but anyways...Back to what I was talking about. Like I know the person who likes me but I wont say her name cause I know she doesnt want a ton of people to know. A few people know but I wasnt the one who said anything...ANYWAYS....back again to what I was talking about, Like I try not to think about how I feel about her cause Im very sketchy when it comes to relationships. I just believe that what will happen is that Ill get hurt or cheated on or someone will go wrong. And thats because thats how all my relationships end up. I dont think about it cause Im scared to know, Im scared to know cause of what can or can not happen. Do you get what I mean? If you dont well then thats too bad cause Thats as best as I can explain it. But like...le sigh...I dunno what to do about anything and like me and Holly have talked about all of this and still...I gots nothing. I dunno anymore...

Thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts.

So me and my friend was talking about relationships and everything. And she was saying how she has no one to love her but that she didn't care cause she didn't need anyone. I am like that all the time and well the truth is thats not true. People are not made to be alone. Everyone needs someone in there lives. Thats why there is someone out there for everyone. You just either have to open your eyes and look or just simply wait and see. No matter what you will always find someone who is meant to be with you. I make excuses all the time about not needing someone. Like now I am saying I have too much on my plate at school, but the truth is I don't. It just gives me a reason to be single and seem like it doesn't bother me. But in reality it eats away at me little by little. But see I am a bit different than other people. I don't complain about it all the time I just sort of deal with it in my own ways....like through my poetry, my music the things I do and the people I hang out with. But I do hate it more than anything that I am single. But yet again I deal with it. Like right now I am complaining but thats because I just need to get it down and out. I mean down as in written down...even though this isn't written its typed but whatever. But still I will move on with my life and I will still do what I need to do. I won't let things like this stop me from living my life and stop me from being at least a bit happy. Like I know I'll find someone when I am ready to be in a relationship. I know these blogs are a bit shorter than usual but I am writing more than once in a day usually so I think that counts for something and plus I give Gil more to read....lol. Well I feel better now that I have gotten this out of my head and wrote about it. Till tonight..... adios.

Oh My God!

English is so not my strong point anymore! Second assignment of this year was an essay. I havent had english in a year and well I was never really good at essays, but I am good at writing. I started this essay for Marianna like three times and got so flustrated because I couldnt figure out how to write it. Like She showed us how and I probably could have used her example but thats not the way I am. Essays are so hard for me and I just cant handle them. I really and getting stressed out form this and like I dont know what to do. I want to skip the class so I cant get yelled at for not being able to do the essay but I got yelled at by Gil and got told not to skip. Like its so damn hard and I dont want to be a person who cant do it but I didnt take english at all last year and I cant seem to write them. Like poetry is suck a strong point for me and that why I am not taking the poetry class but I do want to improve on my poetry. So Im going to talk to Marianna about helping me improve my poetry. But this essay is like killing me. I can do it and I hate admitting it, but I guess at some point and time you have to admitt things you dont want to. Le sigh. I guess ill write another blog tonight just for the hell of it cause I just enjoy blogging and getting things off my chest so Im not stressing so badly.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Well today was a pretty good day. I spent time with Holly and played around in class with Kathleen and then found out someone liked me. but I'll start from the top. Lets see I spent the begging of school in in Karens class room to get my previous blog done. Then class started and Me and Kathleen chilled and talked in class and joked around about Twilight and New Moon in a good way. Also we snuck on the computer so that she could read my poetry. She liked it which makes me happy cause most times I think my poetry really sucks. But everyone who has read it has liked it so yay. So after class with Kathleen I spent the rest of the day with Holly. We took picks and talked and chilled and had fun. I love chillin with Holly. Shes really close to me and I don't know what I would do without her in my life. But yeah she stands behind me 100 percent and I stand behind her. I lovers her with all my heart. So me and holly went to gym together and played some stupid games and then took pictures after gym. That's also when I found out someone had a crush on me. Shelby told me but wouldn't tell me who it was......bitch. Well Holly got it out of her after she wouldn't tell me and now I am deciding to act like I don't know...mostly because Shelby asked me to act like that. But yeah I'm choosing not to think about it because I have a lot to deal with with school and everything. I don't need anything to distract me right now. Plus I'm trying as hard as I can not to date anyone in school cause a lot of drama happens because of that.

Past and stress..

Yesterday I some how got my guardian to let me go to Scotts house even though Im grounded. It was cool. We went to his grandmothers house and chilled there for a little while and then finally went to his house. We watched this movie called Cademned.( I don't know how to spell it.) It was a good movie but I didn't get to watch it all cause I got picked up at 5:30 and had to go home. I think my kittens get mad at me when I sleep cause I cant pet them. I woke up with three scratches on my hands that weren't there when I went to bed. But its okay I know they love me when I am awake. And thats only because I feed them and without me they couldn't eat. Na Im kidding I know they love me. There names are Soven and Sunset.(Sunset makes me sound like a hippy XD) THey are both guys and they both drive me crazy. They like to keep me awake at night when I try to sleep. Its quite annoying. When I sit in my bed Soven like tries to maul me so I pet him. Its funny. Gil makes me mad. He's trying to make me take another class so I can get more credit....but I like my laid back schedule. But I dunno maybe it will be good. I mean I know they only want me to do good but its hard enough for me to concentrate in school. But I push myself to do it anyways. I ahve to graduate next year no matter what. No one in my family has. Everyone keeps dropping out in high school and then all the pressure gets put on me. Like everyone keeps saying how I have to break the chain and I don't think they realize how much that makes me stressed and makes me stop trying. I hate how everyone expects me to be. Like it makes me just want to do the opposite so they cant sit there and pressure me anymore. I hate it so much. Back when I lived with my dad he use to tell me how I better graduate and go to collage cause I had to be the one who took care of him when he got old, but then he kicked me out. When I moved into Nancys and Holleys He told Nancy to have me drop out and get a job. So like it seems that after I left his house he didn't care anymore. Like he doesn't realize that I am not a mommas girl or a daddys girl and thats what he wants. Thats the reason why he seems to favor my sisters Katrina and Cassie. They always stick with him and stay on his side. I know how he is and I tend to end up hating him for the things he has done. I will never forgive him but Im not saying what the things he did that I wont forget. But its pretty bad and its not completely proven....but I believe it happened because of the way my father is. But again...Im not getting into it. I really don't know what else to talk about so Im just going to go cause I need to write another blog tonight anyways.

Love or Lust....A poem

Love or Lust

Is the feeling I feel for her
Actual love
Or love covered lust

Love or lust....?

Seems to me that I just cant tell
Part of me says love
Part of me says lust

Love or Lust...?

The sound of her voice
Fluttering through my mind
So beautiful and cute

Love or lust....?

Her beautiful face
Painted as a permanent picture in my mind
So flawless and perfect

Love or lust....?

Her personality
So fun and colorful
One of a kind

Love or lust....?

I yern of feel
the feel of her touch
Her skin on mine

Love or lust....?

My feeling so confused
Undefined
Clouded by Desire

Love or Lust....?
Author notes

A poem

Living In Darkness

I sit in the grass
listening to
sounds of nature
Birds chirping and the wind blowing
Sounds of the city
Cars driving and kids playing
I look around
Yet nothings there
Everything is covered
in a thick coat of darkness
as if my eyes are closed
but they are not
They are wide open
I can feel everything
hear everything
Just nothing is visible
Its like Im living in darkness
and no light can shine through
I reach out hoping to find someone
but no one is there
All the sounds are fading
like Im falling
I feel the air around me
moving faster and faster
I hear it whistling in my ear
I put my arms out
put my head back
I accept it all
Nothing can make it better
Will I ever see the light?

Just another day at school

Well I have been in school for a week and a day. I have all my classes set and its nice to see all my friends again. So the classes I have are as followed.....Microbiology, Algebra II B, Are you serious, And Advanced Lit. They are all great classes and all the teachers are amazing. I love my school so much. I wouldn't change it for anything. So well I have community service and I'm doing it at a rec center. It will be every Thursday at 4 pm to 6 pm. Its hopefully going to be a lot of fun. So for my extended class which is Are you serious, I have to write a journal/blog entry everyday. To me this is hard cause I never really know what to talk about so I tend to babble a little. I'm sorry if it get a little boring but its the way I am. Well I had a really good day today, which is a little surprising because I usually don't have good days. I went to my cousins house and I haven't been there is a long time now. Also I seen another cousin of mine this morning. So I seen family today which usually makes me in a good mood. I also had to deal with zero drama today....which is also another surprise. I deal with drama almost everyday of my life. It get so annoying sometimes but hey what can you do right? Well anyways the only kind of problem I had today was my thoughts that consume me everyday...and that I'm sick. So yeah my thoughts about someone I really love but the problem is she doesn't live in this state or city and she can't handle long distance. So it really sucks because she makes me feel like no other person ever had. But yeah with this whole being sick thing it feels like I cant breathe or anything and I really hate it. Also I'm not very hungry cause my stomach hurts so I'm barely eating. I guess that could be a bad thing or a good. But I think its more bad than good. Well I really don't know what more to put in this blog because if I put too much in I wont have anything to talk about tomorrow.

The First New Blog Of The New Year

So here we go again. Another year at School Without Walls. Well this year I have my head in the game and I really hope to keep it that way. I'm really focused on getting all my credit this year. I'm trying so hard to keep drama out of this school year. I really think I will be able to do it this year. I'm really excited. But I was thinking for the first blog I would write a little about my summer. It wasn't really that great though. I was stuck doing summer school again this year but sadly I didn't get the credit for the classes I was taking. I spent some time hanging out with my friends this year but not much. I went to the beach once with them but that was all the fun time we really had. I spent a lot of time with my family this summer. Which is nice cause I got to see my niece and nephews a lot more that I usually do. Umm over the summer I started to take therapy to help me with all the stress I seem to develop. My therapist is real nice and not like most therapist. She advises me against things and for things but doesn't tell me how I have to do them. Also she doesn't do that "So how does that make you feel" line. So its great. I told her about a little plan I had going on to get credit for gym without doing the work, but I didn't figure into getting cough about lying. Turns out I did get cough. So for about almost three weeks now I have been grounded. I'm actually grounded until the 18th of September. It really sucks cause I hate being stuck in a house but I have been reading a lot more because of it. So I am happy. I love my vampire books so yeah smiles for me. Well really that's it for the whole summer sadly, and that's mainly cause I choose to keep my love life out of it. Well I guess more to come about my schooling and life as the days go by.